Jeff, Jason, Matt, and I went golfing on Tuesday at River's Edge Golf Course. It was freezing cold, I don't think it ever got too high over 40 all day. We were all wearing sweatshirts, jackets, hats, gloves, etc. to stay warm and we were all still really cold. We got a deal that we could play all we wanted with carts for $39 (not a great deal, but a deal). We got to the third hole and Jeff's ball was up on a hill and we drove up to go find it, he hit his shot and we drove down. We built up a lot of speed and Jeff slammed on the brakes and we slid like twenty feet and were spinning out of control because the ground was frozen. It was pretty sweet and we continued to "Tokyo Drift" our golf carts on every hole and the carts are so bottom heavy that it was almost impossible to turn them over. It was sweet. We were the only ones on the course and only a crazy person would marshall on a day like that, so no one ever saw us. We golfed for like 6 hours and at least one of those hours was spent drifting all over the golf course. Needless to say, Jeff and I are thinking of moving to Japan and becoming illegal street racers, learning the art of drifting, and bringing it back to Bend and making "The Fast and the Furious 4: Golf Cart Drift."

I wrote a month or two ago that the "Tracy Morgan Show" was the best T.V. show of all time. Good news, I found an episode! If you go to youtube.com and type in "Tracy Morgan Show" you will see both parts of the episode and I suggest you watch it. It is the best family show of all time.

Epic, legendary, Rickdiculous. Some words that would describe my Friday night with Jeff. Jeff and I went to Parkway Bingo at the Fox Hollow Retirement Center and played bingo on Friday night. Let me paint the picture for you, you pull up to a dirt parking lot and the building has no windows and the door is a foot thick piece of wood. You walk in and see some of the oldest people you will ever see in your life. Jeff and I were the youngest people in the room by at least 20 years to the next youngest people, it is mostly people who are over 50 and there are some people who look like they could be 100. We went to the front counter and bought $10 worth of bingo cards and sat in the "blue room", which is a non-smoking room that fits like 25 people. The main room had at least 200 people in it and that was the smoking area. We started playing the first game which was a "line plus two corners" game which means you have to get five in a row and two corner spots to win. I had three spots left to fill and I got all three in a row and won, the payout was $150. Not only that, but because I was the first male to win I got to be king for the night. The king gets to wear a crown and I got to pick a number (11) and every time the number was drawn and I honked this horn that I got, I got a dollar. Some old lady came up and took my I.D. and left the room and came back 15 minutes later and gave me $150 in cash, Jeff and I laughed hysterically and said stuff like "we're gettin' paid" and "gotsta get that paper." We continued to play and kept getting dollar bills so we kept buying more cards to play on. Then a game came up where we had to get an "X", which is exactly what it sounds like. I got down to the point where I only needed one more spot and Jeff and I started laughing again and talking about how mad the old people would get if we won again. Then the caller called out my number and the payout was $200, but I had to split it with some other lady that won on the same ball. Then we bought cards for the "latenight" game which is a blackout and the payout is $1000. Jeff and I kept talking about how funny it would be if we won $1000, but we didn't really think it would happen. Jeff got down to the point where he only had one number left and we were freaking out and on the very next pull some old, old lady yells out "bingo" and kills our dreams. Jeff and I left $261 richer than when we came (we agreed before that if either of us won then we would split it). If that isn't legendary than I don't know what is.

VH1 made a movie that premiered last weekend called "Totally Awesome." It is a spoof on a bunch of different 80's movies (Dirty Dancing, Teen Wolf, etc.) and Jason, Jeff, and I watched it on Saturday night. I am not trying to get you to watch this movie because it wasn't that great, but it does further prove that Tracy Morgan is the funniest man alive. He played this guy named Darnell that was trying to show the main character how to be black becuase he wasn't cool. He has a jheri curl, thick glasses, and he always wears sweat pants with high tops. There are many hysterical quotes by him and his break dancing is redonkulous. I would suggest for anyone with tivo to tape the whole movie and fast forward until you get to the parts with Tracy Morgan in it and watch those, it will only take up about 15 minutes of your life and it will be well worth it. If you watch the whole movie and hate it, don't be mad at me. If you are in my fantasy basketball league (Dad), then my post to Jeff about him being "the only person in the league to have broken a Puerto Rican's arm for sweat pants money" and the thing about the claw will all make sense.

I was in my education class on Tuesday and my teacher brought up the conversation of should evolution be taught in schools? I of course said no and then he asked me why. I told him that evolution is a theory and the definition of a theory is that it is something that cannot be 100% proven and I said that religion can't be proven (until it's almost too late) and if evolution is taught then religion should be taught. I also said that a kid can go through his high school life without learning about evolution because it isn't really that vital to know about when you are in high school and you can just wait until college and pay to learn about evolution.
If you have heard the Lewis Black bit about how aneurysm happen, this will make sense (if you haven't, an aneurysm is caused by someone saying something so retarded that it sticks in your brain for weeks and you can't figure out why someone would say it and then your head explodes). This kid in my education class said "we can pretty much deduce that there are black holes and Christians are just pissed that they have been proven wrong and they want to get back at everyone." Needless to say, I only have a few days left to live. I wanted to punch that kid in the face because if there is anything that is harder to believe in than God, then it is that there are black holes that just magically spit stuff out and it evolved into people. I hope you don't have an aneurysm too and if so, sorry. I only have one more thing to say about evolution: evolutionists believe in survival of the fittest (makes sense), but because humans evolved from monkeys wouldn't all of the monkeys be extinct? Humans would be the fittest and monkeys would all be dead. And those morons actually believe in that crap. So, what we have learned today is that if you believe that we came out of black holes, your retarded (remember: "you don't call retarded, you call your friends retarded when they are acting like retards").

In case you didn't know my sister was the coolest person in the world, she told me she found a birthday card for me (my birthday is November 25, don't forget it) and she couldn't wait to give it to me. Her excitement was so intense that she sent it to me over a month early. I got it in the mail on Sunday and it was incredible. On the outside of the card it had a button (or a pin, you know like something you would pin on your shirt or something) and it said "P is for Playa." If that isn't a sweet enough card, you open it up and it says "Play on Playa." I thought it was hilarious and I showed my friends Jeff and Jason and we laughed about it again. Needless to say, the button is on my backpack so everyone at COCC knows what P is for.

I was researching a thing for my computers class and i found out that it is i-pod is having its fifth birthday tommorrow. it said that apple's stock has gone from $8 a share five years ago to $80 a share today. i just want to update you guys on the sweet new music i have on my i-pod, maybe you guys will enjoy it.

• Morris Brown and Idlewild Blues by Outkast-one song by each guy, very different, but really good.
• Carribean Queen by Billy Ocean-you would know why if you saw everybody hates chris last week.
• The Gambler by Kenny Rogers-a classic country song about a drunk and dying gambler who is passing on his life lessons to some random kid on a train.
• I Call it Love by Lionel Richie-it is a brand new song by mr. jheri curl himself and it is actually pretty good.
• Smokie Norful and Fred Hammond-both gospel singers that i like and they came out with new cd's last week and i stole the music online and they are really good.
• Dane Cook's Vicious Circle-it is the new Dane Cook dvd and it is really funny (dad would like it)
• Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik-a classic 90's love song that never grows old.
• Eastbound and Down by Jerry Reed-earl's theme song on my name is earl.
• Whenever I Call You Friend by Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nix-it is Kenny Loggins, what more do i need to say.

Just thought you guys might want to know what i am listening to even if some of it is lionel richie. sorry if i offended my sister by my music choice.

I was watching 30 Rock on Wednesday night and it was really funny. As most of you know, i think that Tracy Morgan is the funniest man alive and I realized that even though this show is really funny, it will never compare to the funniest show ever made: The Tracy Morgan Show. If you never saw it, it was about Tracy Mitchell character who owned an auto shop with Heavy-D and the dad from Friday (John Witherspoon?). He had a wife and two kids, one kid was dorky and the other kid was the funniest kid in the history of the world (Bobb'e J. Thompson). There were 16 episodes, but only like six episodes were aired. Those six episodes were enough to convince me that no show has or will ever be funnier than it. If you ever find the DVD of it, buy it and let me know; if you ever see a petition to bring it back or to get it on DVD, sign it. I have been looking for about an hour for video from it, but I can find anything. I will some if I can find any.

While I was really excited for the season premiere of Lost, I also was looking forward to the season premiere of South Park (the funniest show in T.V. history). Lost was amazing, it revealed a lot and opened up a lot of new questions and people will be talking about it all day tommorrow. Even with how great it was, South Park blew it out of the water. It was about something that my computer's teacher has been talking about all term and how it is consuming people's lives. There are about 7 million people that have players on World of Warcraft on their computer and South Park took advantage of it. The episode was comedic genious, Jeff and I laughed the whole time. The premise is that there is a guy who has a character on WOW and he is way better than anyone else and he keeps killing everyone's characters. No one can stop this guy and everyone is pissed. So the boys go out in the woods and try to build up their skills so they can defeat this guy and it is the most hilarious episode I have ever seen (better than the Dog Whisperer and the Moorman episodes). There is my television critique for the day. If I hear that any of you didn't see it by the end of the week, I am coming to find you and forcing you to watch it. I am also seriously considering quitting everything and wasting my life on WOW and living my life in that fantasy world (that is a lie, I hate that crap).

Snakes? No way. Dad said to put some story about snakes on my blog, but I hate snakes more than anything. Snakes are the scariest thing on the planet. I couldn't see "Snakes on a Plane" because I can't see a snake without peeing my pants. Why are snakes so scary? Many reasons. Satan was a snake when he tempted Adam and Eve, Satan brought sin to the earth, God hates sin, therefore God hates snakes. Secondly, snakes have no legs. Things without legs aren't supposed to move unless they are in water. I can't think of any other animal that has no legs and can move on land, that alone scares the crap out of me. Third, snakes eat stuff whole. If a snake ever gets near me, I will kill myself because i am not spending the whole day in a snakes stomach. There are much better things to do with your day then spend it in the stomach of a snake (like kill yourself). Lastly, snakes have venom. Snakes are so scary that they kill you, but you stay alive and get to think about dying for a couple of hours before you actually die. Is there anything scarier than snakes? No.

I am watching Fox News with my roommates and they are saying that Osama Bin Laden is dead! It said that he is dead from a water-borne illness (typhoid) and France reported him dead (ha ha, France). They say that it isn't official, but France said it so it has to be true. I find it hard to believe that the guy who we have been trying to find for six years has just died all of a sudden. If it takes you six years to not find someone, how are you ever going to know that he is dead? Are his henchmen going to send a death certificate to the president? It doesn't matter if he dies or not because someone else will take over their diabolicle (hooked on phonics?) plots and plans. Does it matter if he is dead? No, but maybe North Korea will let us borrow some of their friendly nuclear weapons to scare off Bin Laden's men.

My sister was driving in downtown Seattle on wednesday and saw a homeless person. She didn't see just any homeless person, she saw a clever homeless person. He sat on the corner with a sign that read, "Father killed by ninjas, need money for karate lessons." I defy anyone to find a funnier homeless person. He should be writing for SNL, not sitting on a street corner. He probably makes more tax free scratch than I will make when I become a baller math teacher. It's funny because it's true.

After my math 256 class (applied differential equations) on monday morning, I went to the student bookstore to purchase the books that were required for my upcoming classes. I went to the back of the bookstore and picked up my math and biology classes and got in line to pay for them. When I got to the front of the line, the workstudy student working the front desk called me up. She took my books and said "will this be cash, credit, or debit?" I told her "debit" and I handed her my debit card. She then said "I am going to need to see some I.D." So I reached into my wallet and grabbed a driver's liscense and handed it to her. She looked at the debit card, then at the I.D., back at me, back at the liscense, back at the debit card, then handed the I.D. back to me and swiped my debit card. When she handed the card back to me, I realized that I did not hand her my I.D., but the fake I.D. I found at work one day. Normally someone would be happy that their fake I.D. was a success and go out and get wasted. I on the other hand was on the verge of peeing my pants because my I.D. is not of a teenage guy, it is of a 51 year old lady. 5' 4", 150 lb. Nancy Jones was the person on my fake I.D. and I only used it as a joke with my friends and I would say "hey, have you seen my fake I.D." and then hand it to them and they would just think I was a moron. The girl at the front desk not only didn't notice that I was 6' 3", 185 lb. 19 year old dude, it didn't bring up a red flag when she saw that the name on the I.D. didn't match the one on my debit card. Either this girl is so dumb that thinks that you only need to check an I.D. to see if they are from the right state, or she thought that I was mentally retarted and I go around town buying things with an expired I.D. that is so far over the edge rediculous that no one in their right mind would have to look at it for more than two seconds to know that it wasn't mine. I then left the store and proceeded to call my sister to share with her a story that could only happen once in a lifetime (a lifetime of an idiot kid who thought it would be a good idea to keep a fake I.D. in the same place as his actual I.D.). Dad, I hope you enjoyed that and it was worth the wait for you.

Aaaahhhh... My first post, it feels good. I know my family has been anticipating this for days and now the wait is over. I started this because I have important stuff to say and everyone needs to hear it. Until I get my own T.V. show or radio show, I have to settle for this. Grammar and proper punctuation is for fat kids and I don't like it, so if you have something to say about the way I write, keep it to yourself. I know there is a lot of hype from my two fans (my dad and sister), but just be patient because I am just getting used to anyone paying attention to what I have to say. So sit back, relax, and listen to what I have to say.